February 2012
1 tag
“All those years of animatronic Presidents at Disney World primed the voters of...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I guess if you asked me, I’d say “The Birthday Party” is the...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
January 2012
2 tags
1 tag
“As the Vampire Archaeologist tumbled into the cleverly designed death trap, he...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“This ouroboros isn’t going to finish itself.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Tramp regretted falling for a purebred when her hip dysplasia kicked in.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Putting together a care package for Foxconn employees: 1000 jars of...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“The calorie info on this microwave burrito…does it include the burnt part...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I make so many jokes based on homophones I should get some sort of mettle.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“When you star a tweet mocking Bhumibol Adulyadej, he cries two little kingly...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I made a cheap joke implying Bhumibol Adulyadej has a small dick which makes him...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Thailand’s all in favor of censoring tweets; if my dick were as short as...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
Seven hours of poker...
…it was a fun format, alternating 30-minute segments between the girls and the boys, 173 total teams, a cheap $65 buy-in…we ended up in fifth. Sucked not to win the big payout, but it was a profitable and entertaining day.
1 tag
“New sketch from Peter Rogers - Detritus (Topic: “You left something behind”)...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Man, I really wish Underdog were here. My shoes are looking a bit dull.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I write jokes so obscure, Google can’t come up with sidebar ads in Gmail.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Newt spends so much time in the uncanny valley with Callista, Mitt seems...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Have y’all seen this new indie flick, NEWT AND THE REAL GIRL?”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I’m a software engineer by trade, so as you can imagine I have quite an...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
“The uncomfortable fact is that the prosperity of the modern state of Arizona has...”
– Tom Zoellner (via azspot)
That’s so cute. As if actually the “roof beams are nailed tight” and not stuck on with used chewing gum in these cookie-cutter shit boxes.
Mitt Romney's Weekend (2008) →
I wrote this back in February of ‘08, but some things never go out of style. Like comparing Mitt Romney to a robot.
1 tag
“Must have been a typo on my Girl Scout Cookie order. I got my six boxes of Thin...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Dwight moves to the backwoods and becomes a trapper. We learn which bear really...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human...”
– Oklahoma State Senator Ralph Shortey, who filed a bill to ban the making and selling in that state of food or products that use aborted human fetuses.
Oklahoma. Where all the important issues have been solved.
(via cwj)
Someone should inform Senator Shortey that those qualify as *natural*...
1 tag
“New sketch from Peter Rogers - Next Time (Topic: “Star Trek”) [by Andrew Pish]...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
My next project...
A wacky weekly murder mystery, with a vibe of Scooby-Doo crossed with Charlie’s Angels.
Peterson Girls: The Laci and Stacy Adventure Hour
The reincorporated ghosts of Laci and Stacy Peterson (“No relation!”) drive around the country solving crimes involving missing girls. Each week, one of the girls falls in love with the distraught husband/boyfriend and needs to be saved in...
The owner of my coffee shop and I had a water...
I crushed. Literally. I finished that bottle of water in seconds and left her in the dust.
I’m so proud. This is the biggest accomplishment I’ve had in 2012.
(I need a new job/life/something.)
5 tags
1 tag
“New in #sketchwar - The Licensing Conundrum http://t.co/CwbySYwg”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“New in #sketchwar - Faustian Training http://t.co/tKILoP0P”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“If one of these clowns were to become President, I’m pretty sure I’d...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
Lies, damn lies, and fucking bullshit advocacy ads
If I see those fucking “Corn Sugar” ads too many more times, I’m going to find every lactose-intolerant copywriter, actor, ad exec, and corn industry fucker associated with them and hook them up to feeding tubes like geese. Then I’ll just poor pure lactose down their gullets hour after hour while screaming, “sugar is sugar!”
If the FTC weren’t toothless...
1 tag
“New in #sketchwar - Follow Your Dream http://t.co/XoDYa5k1”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Newt was on HOUSE HUNTERS. He kept complaining that none of the master baths had...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Meet me at the corner of C and G streets.” Every third street is C or G or...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“Dear DOJ, the Internet is built on ARPANET’s old bones; DOD runs...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“. @inthefade Is this an (insert ethnic stereotype target of choice) wake? If so,...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“For want of a proofreader, the Colonels instituted marital law. The coup fell...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
“The president interprets the Constitution as president. If the court makes a...”
– Newt Gingrich, who hopes to be the GOP nominee, and is also crazy. (via wilwheaton)
It didn’t work when Tom-Tom Jefferson tried to ignore his cousin John, but Tommy Boy weren’t half the man Newtie are, right?
1 tag
“She’d never seen someone with a body like mine, like a trophy. Correction:...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
I finally started reading Joe Hill’s Heart-Shaped Box. Guess what fucking earworm I’m going to have all weekend.
1 tag
“I wish someone told me when I became a software engineer: no matter how hard you...”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju
1 tag
“I told her I preferred Kentucky Bourbon; she shoved me into an oak barrel.”
– http://bit.ly/Aryeju 