How is it that this restaurant managed to deliver soggy fries to me twice (fingers crossed the third time will be the charm) yet I haven’t seen an incompetent line cook marched the fuck out the door yet?
“I will lose you. It is written
into this poem the way
the fisherman’s wife knits
his death into the sweater.”—Gregory Orr, "The Sweater," from The Caged Owl: New and Selected Poems (Copper Canyon Press, 2002)
Trust is a sticky concept, as it requires the truster and trustee to have the same expectations and regularly communicate any changes to such. Depending on the way in which the trust has been broken and the flexibility of both the wronged and wronger, it could easily be repaired or eternally shattered.
Plus, people make mistakes. People make mistakes in both act, and self-assessment. By the latter, I mean that few people honestly recognize who they are. Most people overestimate their reliability, fidelity, and faithfulness. So promises based on false and faulty self-analysis are often broken.
Furthermore, promises are based on other-assessment. So saying, for example, “I would never stray,” requires (for most people) that the conditions that existed at the time of the promise don’t change radically.
That probably sounds douchy to a lot of people, but I think it’s really a matter of degree. For example, I think we can all agree that in a monogamous relationship someone would be a douche for straying if their partner had a headache one night. I suspect the number of people who think that would drop significantly if the partner were instead in a persistent vegetative state. Those are extremes, of course, but somewhere along that continuum is boundary condition for almost all people. Some people will accept greater changes from initial conditions before they feel that their promise no longer holds…but most who honestly self-assess will realize that somewhere along that line is the point where the person and conditions that existed when they made the promise no longer exist.
So…can trust be rebuilt once it’s broken? Depends. Depends on the parties, the betrayal, the initial conditions, the change in conditions, the flexibility of the wronged, the flexibility of the wronger, and the desire of the parties to repair.
That last one is probably the biggest one. I’ve known people who are one-strike absolutists and those who are like water. Personally, I try to be more like water, flowing around the obstacles in life. I don’t always succeed, but I try.
But really, the key to repairing trust is the openness of the parties to do so and to communicate clearly about what went wrong, how and why it went wrong, and how to mitigate or accept that in the future.
“The issue of a baker or florist refusing to serve a gay couple brings out conflicting emotions. I do think at some level there is the potential of bigotry behind that refusal. I also think that having laws where people can refuse service could cause chaos in our economy. But then I think about how someone who is a social conservative and faithful Christian would see this. There’s something about compelling someone to do something they don’t agree with because of their interpretation of the Bible that bothers me deeply. Those of us on our side tend to see this simply as case of bigotry. We think Bigots don’t deserve protection and they should shut up and do their job. After all their “religious objection” is just a smoke screen for their hate. But the thing is, seeing homosexuality as a sin was considered the normative teaching in our society until recently. That doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong, but we have to take in account that tradition is not something that you can easily dispose of.”—
And until recently (still in many, MANY places), people thought I’d grind up their precious little Christian babies to make matzoh. That doesn’t mean we should give them leave to refuse to sell me a meat grinder attachment for my Kitchen-Aid.
I usually unload these heavy truths no one cares to hear…today, some lighter ones.
I don’t like lima beans at all…except, if I make soup out of dried lima beans it’s delicious.
My death row meal changes like the weather in San Francisco, but if you were to ask me today, I’d probably say…braised lamb shanks, buttermilk mashed potatoes, and a nice ratatouille.
(key lime > pumpkin > pecan > apple)π (Please note that an exceptional apple pie might move as many as two slots to the left.)
I picked up some of these phenomenal licorice caramels…so the next time I make a batch of caramel, I’m thinking of putting a couple of star anise in while the sugar cooks.
Good vegan baked goods impress me in the same way paralympians impress me. Being able to excel without the use of eggs is…voodoo. Black magic.
Combining a few points above…if instead of a death row meal I were asked for the one meal I could eat for the rest of my life…it’d be scrambled eggs, bacon, coffee, and toast with peanut butter. Just don’t overcook the eggs. I like them just barely curdled like a good French omelette.
And one more…soup. Always soup. Spring, summer, winter, or fall, all seasons are good seasons for soup.
Heh. I guess today’s truths turned out not to be so light after all. They’re downright Fat, Tuesday.