Try the new McCarthy App: it deletes all your punctuation, capitalization, and randomly replaces real words with nonsense words. It also inserts horrifying cannibalism scenes and a pervasive fatalism.
I was going to try to take a picture of myself smirking today for SST (as my smirk is the closest thing I have to “sexy”). Instead, let’s call my rant about that shitty Hemingway software my SST submission for the day, shall we? That’s a bit more me.
Hemingway makes your writing bold and clear.
Basically the coolest little tool to have as a writer.
This is awesome!!!
Where the hell was then when I was in high school!
Saving this for so many reasons.
Of course I’m reblogging this.
Hemingway (and his writing) can get it.
Okay. So is it time for me to create the complementary software tool, Faulkner? Which tool will make your writing sound like it was not written by a monosyllabic eighth grader. (Bonus points for my “passive” construct there. A second gold star for the “which tool” construct, my homage to DFW, yet another writer who wrote densely.)
What the fuck is with this shit? The fuck is wrong with complex motherfucking thoughts and independent, but related, clauses being conjoined with a semi-colon? What the fuck is wrong with using the right word instead of a “short” one? Dense writing serves a purpose beyond the mere beauty of it: it forces the reader to take time to absorb what she is reading. Hemingway’s journalism-informed prose has its place and, in the hands of an actual master like Papa, can be beautiful as well. More often, it is the throwaway garbage that lines bird cages. Literally. People literally line birdcages with newspaper.
Lemme tell you something…anyone who can write well enough to craft the grammatically correct and concise sentence, “Hemingway highlights long, complex sentences and common errors; if you see a yellow highlight, shorten the sentence or split it.” Does not need help from shitty software to edit it. In fact, to help out the jackholes who think this it is good advice to split that sentence…it is not. The two independent clauses represent related activity; they are more logically bound into a single sentence. (N.B. What I did there…see how I used a semi-colon in a sentence explaining why the semi-colon is useful? Why don’t you fucking highlight that, dbag?)
how do i ask a boy out
roses are red
violets are blue
guess what, my bed
has room for two
OH MY GOD NO
twinkle twinkle little star
we can do it in a car
row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
i can make you scream
Asking out a boy? Assuming you are of a gender that the boy finds appealing (and he is not Ace; which, I suppose, would mean you weren’t of a gender he found appealing)…
Had we but world enough and time…
Ah, screw it. Let’s go snog.
I have strayed from my beloved honeydew milk tea only a couple of times with mixed results - honey milk: okay; green tea milk: not so much. If you’re a fan, tell me your favorite please.
If you’ve never tried, find some and enjoy.